A Tale of Two Failures

By Kate Bennett, PsyD

Over the past 18 months, I discovered (and continue to discover) just how tough the parenting gig is. Starting with our first “child”, a 100lb rescued Labahoula by the name of Rocky, and continuing onto the birth our first human baby, we faced unique challenges that ultimately led us to failure as parents more than once despite our best intentions.

I am by no means a stranger to failure. It is something that I faced frequently and often throughout my life: From not making travel softball in middle school to showing a high-strung ex-racehorse in high school, various experiences throughout college, and multiple failures in cycling, the idea of failure became less intimidating as I matured with age. The difference between my personal failures and parenting failures is this: Individually, I could work hard and put all my effort into achieving a goal knowing that if I did not achieve the success I hoped for, I was the only one impacted. Furthermore, I had the ability to grow/learn/work harder or re-evaluate my goal altogether. Inevitably, I achieved a lot of success along my bumpy road of failure because I became more determined, worked harder, and developed more resilience. However, as a parent, no matter how badly I wanted to achieve some goals or the amount I idealized them as being the best option for my babies, I could not (and cannot) force my child (fur-baby or human) to get on board with some of my individual desires.

Case and point: Despite my knack for goal setting and high level of persistence, both of my babies reminded me that failure is inevitable as a parent.

Failure #1: As my husband and I prepared to bring home our first dog, I dreamed of a companion that could run free next to us while we hiked and rode mountain bikes. Upon my insistence for a big, black lab (mind you that this was my husband’s first experience of having a dog and I essentially adopted a small horse), we brought home our sweet, yet unruly and overly energetic, furball. He was terrible on the leash. Daily walks were more similar to water skiing than walking a family pet. After he discovered that jumping our backyard fence was no problem with his athletic ability and countless (frantic) chases trying to make sure he did not get hit by a car, we signed Rocky (and ourselves) up for obedience training.

Our trainer told us what we already knew: Rocky is very smart and incredibly athletic. He performed well during our sessions and we did our best to continue our work between sessions. However, Rocky struggled look past the rabbits. For some odd reason, our trainer decided we should allow Rocky to chase rabbits on the leash and he quickly discovered that he could out-muscle us during outings. Essentially, every walk became an opportunity for freedom: Running through the open space and jumping our neighbors’ fences to check out their yards. In fact, it was in their yards that he finally surrendered himself and allowed us to catch him. Upon surrendering, he also magically forgot how to jump back over the fence when it was time to come home. My husband did a lot of heavy lifting while I mastered my coaxing skills to get him home. Needless to say, given the fact that we could not control Rocky on the leash, we failed training and more sessions were recommended. We politely declined and decided to figure things out on our own.

Lessons Learned: First, trust my gut. I already know this and frequently ask my clients “What does your gut say?” Reflecting on our primal wiring, it was the gut-response (instinctual awareness) that kept our ancestors out of harm’s way. When our trainer suggested that Rocky be allowed to chase rabbits on the leash, my husband and I both froze. We probably looked like we had just seen a ghost. My husband instantly knew it was a bad idea but I suggested that we trust the professional and try it out. Lesson 2: Trust those you know and make sure the professionals earn your trust. I wish I had listened to my husband sooner. Lesson 3: Adjust your goals upon early signs of failure. Once we slowed down and accepted that Rocky was still adjusting to his new home, family, and surrounding areas, Rocky quickly started progressing with leash etiquette. A year later, Rocky walks calmly on the leash, past rabbits, while I push the stroller. He is not always perfect (as none of us are) but, in general, Rocky’s behavior on the leash is something I am very proud of.

Values-Based Decision Making: Enjoying Rocky as a part of our family is more important than my ideal of a voice-responsive, off-leash dog. Maybe he will get there someday but, for now, we enjoy him most when he is well-behaved on the leash. Rather than impose my desire upon our sweet dog that needs structure to manage his anxiety, I accepted that we are all happier when Rocky stays on the leash and within a fenced-in open space.

Failure 2: Based on some basic preparatory research as we anticipated our daughter’s birth, I quickly discovered what I already knew: Breastfeeding is the healthiest feeding option and it can be difficult to achieve. Wanting the best for our baby, I set a goal to breastfeed, talked to friends about their experiences, and worked with professionals in anticipation of her arrival. Our baby girl finally arrived, six days late and simply precious. Over the course of the next six weeks, I tried and tried to get her to take to breastfeeding. We saw a doctor and the doctor ran tests. Our baby girl cried for six hours a day. The doctor normalized her crying and encouraged us to continue what we were doing. After several weeks of struggle, I finally looked at my doctor and said that I did not think my daughter was good at nursing. And it was true: As a newborn, my baby took to my philosophy of “smarter not harder.” She preferred bottle feeding and once we made the transition, she stopped crying. We were all happier despite not having the gold standard of infant feeding options.

Lessons Learned: First and foremost, make values-based decisions. While I wanted to nurse my baby for the numerous health benefits, more importantly, I wanted a healthy and happy baby. Lesson 2 (Learned Again): Trust my gut. I knew the amount of crying (read: SCREAMING) was not normal. Something had to be wrong despite the minimization I experienced during appointments. Looking back, I wish I would have been more insistent that something needed to change. Being a sleep-deprived new mom, I wanted to trust the doctors; however, I know that my gut instinct will always be stronger than a professional’s ability to understand and respond to my exact situation.

Values-Based Decision Making: While I idealized the gold-standard of infant feeding, having a healthy, happy baby was more important to me. We were not happy when we tried to make breastfeeding work, my husband dreaded coming home from work and my patience started waning with each new day of crying. The day we quit, we were all significantly happier: We were able to smile and relax as we enjoyed our newborn baby. Ironically, both my husband and I were formula-fed babies and we seem to have turned out just fine.

So, there you have it. We failed obedience training and failed at breastfeeding. Two significant failures as a parent; however, I also learned (and re-learned) important lessons along the way. Ultimately, I know that my babies will not always agree with the standardized ideals. Values will always trump ideals in our family. More than force my desires upon them, my new goal is to thrive as a family by working together and discovering what options best meet our babies' individual needs. And, more importantly, remembering that failure is a part of parenting. Rather than avoid them, I intend to welcome failures as learning opportunities which allow me discover more about my precious babies and their unique needs.

The Problem with Chronic Cardio

Guestblog by Ian Starr, Owner of Balance Athletics

We are sold a concept of conventional/cultural “wisdom” that the path to health and wellness lies in substantially elevating our heart rate for a sustained period of time at least several days per week. Chronic subscribers of this idea often over-train their bodies (five to seven days per week) and deprive themselves of the benefits of exercise. For the vast majority of folks, this also means some type of repetitive motion activity like running, elliptical, or cycling. If you tend to repeat the same workouts day to day, week to week, year to year and feel like you are always chasing an unobtainable goal through exercise, this article is for you.

Let’s start with some of the insidious problems and catch 22’s of chronic, repetitive aerobic exercise:

1. Cortisol. An over-reliance on aerobic exercise may jack up your hormones, contribute to excessive systemic and acute inflammation, and depress your immune system. Basically, it becomes a cumulative stressor and not the good kind of stressor (think minimal dose, maximum benefit). The kind that slowly beats you down week after week, month after month, year after year. There truly is a concept as “too much exercise.”

Life is full of cumulative stressors: Occupational stress, marital stress, financial stress, poor nutrition, lack of sleep, unhealthy relationships with alcohol and other drugs, and reliance on medications to account for unhealthy life balance. Think about the compounding effect of adding all that intensity and volume from some form of repetitive exercise on top of a system that is already highly stressed. Overloading your body with exercise does not lead to improved health.

2. Reliance on repetitive movement. Using repetitive movement as your primary source of exercise creates problems and deficiencies. Running is easy to pick on. We see a lot of clients who have been running for years with little change in their body composition, a lack of progress in performance, and a host of structural problems as a direct result of the constant pounding. Sure they have maintained some sort of aerobic base by running but they also tend to be very imbalanced. These clients are typically weak, lack core strength, are front side dominant, have postural issues, and struggle with weakened tendons, ligaments and other supporting structures.

Again there is an unfortunate irony that plays out here. People are diligently pursuing health through “exercise” but simultaneously beating their bodies up, inevitably falling short of a sustainable and holistic model of fitness and wellness.

Ideas for a more balanced approach to fitness and health include:

1. Introduce a variety of activities and intensity to your routine. Try two or three days per week of varied, less intense (think 65-70% output) sustained movement or activity. One day it’s a hike, another day it’s a bike ride, another day it’s snow shoeing, another day it’s a swim.

You can pair this variety with some short intense sprints with big rest periods one to two days per week. Sprint on the bike, rower, trail, pool, or skis. Again this helps keep the stimulus varied and engaging as well as train a part of your energy system that many neglect, the anaerobic system. For some this is best delayed until a baseline level of health and fitness are achieved.

2. Chip away at the stressors in your life. Rather than accept that your life is chronically stressful and your body is evidence of an unbalanced lifestyle, set goals and intentions to manage stress levels and improve your overall health. This may mean cutting back on obligations, reducing your overall training load, or packing lunches ahead of time.

3. Find yourself a good strength and fitness coach (who values balance and healthy lifestyles) to build core strength. This will help teach you good bio-mechanics and motor recruitment patterns, balance out your physical structure (front to back, right to left, push vs. pull), strengthen your muscles tendons and ligaments, maintain bone density, key up your metabolism, and prevent injury.

4. Find a way to be active in your body that also puts a smile on your face. Many people equate exercise with obligation and a host of negative emotions. Some people may love to be in the gym or riding a bike, others may find trails or intramural leagues more enjoyable. Find something that supports your mind and body rather than punishes them.

Remember, health and wellness do not result from too much exercise and more is not always better. Instead they are obtained through a balance of physical activity, a healthy relationship with food, and lifestyle choices.